one of my school friends married last sunday.
i've been feeling weird ever since.
and it's not related so much to the emotional ranting of being single-hardcore, at least not so much as i expected.
it just got me thinking.
a lot.
i almost found it disturbing.she nearly fainted at the reception, which hosted 700 people,and i doubt -if given the choice- she would have invited ME to the reception, since we hadn't really spoken/communicated at all for about two years prior to the announcement of the wedding.
what am i saying? i'm neither a radical, nor a highly conventional person. i lead a pretty ideologically neutral (or perhaps sterile, ideology-less?)life, by now. i was never strongly against marriage, but lately i was really skeptical.
nonetheless i found myself thinking that, although i fancy saying out loud that i couldn't care less of marriage if the "right one" doesn't come up (perhaps in a totally Elizabeth Bennet manner!), i always imagine myself marrying when i'm at a wedding, and in fact i usually promise myself i'll pull this thing off more successfully than the others i've seen so far.
ie, i find myself yearning to "compete". even though i pretend to snub it.
i think it's the ceremony that actually puzzled me.
too showy,too much for me.
i practically felt as though someone felt the need to be yelling "i'm marrying!!!!" to my face. "who could believe?"
my friend's not a show-off. but i did feel awkward in the end.
in the end i was simply wondering about all the stereotypes about marriage and success,and happiness, and purity and so on.
and yes, i am a very small person, but i felt no joyous emotion or childhood nostalgia concerning my friend.
sad and maybe cynical.
scary.